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About Digital Art / Hobbyist Dmitry ShcherbakovMale/United States Recent Activity
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Cybernetic [Fan art] by Akara-art

Yo yo yo, you requested a critique and Mono intends to deliver. This is my first critique ever, so please, chalk up any unprofessionali...

So, I work as a lowly patient transporter at a local hospital, right? No, shut up, that was a rhetorical question, of course I do. Alright, I’m not gonna make a habit out of talking smack about my workplace ‘cos I do actually have bills that need paying. But this bit had me giggling to myself for the better part of at least fifteen minutes, so I figured I’d share. Yeah, not fronting, I guess I’m easily entertained, whatever.  

I was grabbing a stretcher for somebody going somewhere on the seventh floor, don’t remember the specifics, not important, patient confidentiality, yadda yadda, but the doors into the main unit were locked. The staff had stuck a laminated sheet on the doors with some tape that announced “DO NOT OPEN DOORS, PATIENT IS AN ELOPEMENT RISK”.  The bottom’s signed by the floor’s nursing supervisor.

Elopement, huh, that’s a new one.

I head on through (because I’ve got a fancy keycard to get through the scanners on the doors like in a level straight out of DOOM) and I ask the folks at the nurses’ station “what’s ‘elopement’? Is that another fancy euphemism for ‘escape precautions’?”

One of the nurses tells me “yes, that’s what it is, please keep the doors shut”.

At this point I recall something and I ask her “hey, you remember up on the eighth floor they used to have—”

She flashes me a tight smile. “We are the eighth floor down here. We like to pretend we’re not, but this is very much the eighth floor.”

I leave, wondering if this woman was the nursing supervisor and I had insulted the choice of vocabulary she’d employed on the notice outside the door.

Up on the eighth floor, (which isn’t actually on the seventh floor, that would be silly) where the psych ward is, they used to have a plaque by the doors that read “ESCAPE PRECAUTIONS” in white on red. Somewhere along the line I guess they decided via committee that no, that’s too blunt, the word ‘escape’ carries negative implications, like we’re keeping the poor psychiatric patients imprisoned or something. So they went and changed the plaque to “FLIGHT PRECAUTIONS” like they’d trapped a flock of doves in the ward that they were afraid would escape into the rest of the hospital and shit all over the freshly-waxed floors.

And now I guess the seventh floor got the same idea and decided to bust out the old thesaurus to find a phrase that was just ambiguous and obscure enough (outside the medical field) that it wouldn’t offend anybody or send the wrong message or something. How are people gonna complain if they don’t know the definition of the word?

Cripes, is this a hospital or a law firm?

  • Mood: Llama
  • Listening to: Old Blind Dogs - The Cruel Sister
  • Playing: Freedom Planet
  • Eating: Brown sugar and cinnamon poptarts.
  • Drinking: Breakfast tea with milk.

Activity


So, I work as a lowly patient transporter at a local hospital, right? No, shut up, that was a rhetorical question, of course I do. Alright, I’m not gonna make a habit out of talking smack about my workplace ‘cos I do actually have bills that need paying. But this bit had me giggling to myself for the better part of at least fifteen minutes, so I figured I’d share. Yeah, not fronting, I guess I’m easily entertained, whatever.  

I was grabbing a stretcher for somebody going somewhere on the seventh floor, don’t remember the specifics, not important, patient confidentiality, yadda yadda, but the doors into the main unit were locked. The staff had stuck a laminated sheet on the doors with some tape that announced “DO NOT OPEN DOORS, PATIENT IS AN ELOPEMENT RISK”.  The bottom’s signed by the floor’s nursing supervisor.

Elopement, huh, that’s a new one.

I head on through (because I’ve got a fancy keycard to get through the scanners on the doors like in a level straight out of DOOM) and I ask the folks at the nurses’ station “what’s ‘elopement’? Is that another fancy euphemism for ‘escape precautions’?”

One of the nurses tells me “yes, that’s what it is, please keep the doors shut”.

At this point I recall something and I ask her “hey, you remember up on the eighth floor they used to have—”

She flashes me a tight smile. “We are the eighth floor down here. We like to pretend we’re not, but this is very much the eighth floor.”

I leave, wondering if this woman was the nursing supervisor and I had insulted the choice of vocabulary she’d employed on the notice outside the door.

Up on the eighth floor, (which isn’t actually on the seventh floor, that would be silly) where the psych ward is, they used to have a plaque by the doors that read “ESCAPE PRECAUTIONS” in white on red. Somewhere along the line I guess they decided via committee that no, that’s too blunt, the word ‘escape’ carries negative implications, like we’re keeping the poor psychiatric patients imprisoned or something. So they went and changed the plaque to “FLIGHT PRECAUTIONS” like they’d trapped a flock of doves in the ward that they were afraid would escape into the rest of the hospital and shit all over the freshly-waxed floors.

And now I guess the seventh floor got the same idea and decided to bust out the old thesaurus to find a phrase that was just ambiguous and obscure enough (outside the medical field) that it wouldn’t offend anybody or send the wrong message or something. How are people gonna complain if they don’t know the definition of the word?

Cripes, is this a hospital or a law firm?

  • Mood: Llama
  • Listening to: Old Blind Dogs - The Cruel Sister
  • Playing: Freedom Planet
  • Eating: Brown sugar and cinnamon poptarts.
  • Drinking: Breakfast tea with milk.
Check this, man.

So, a couple of weeks ago I bought a box of frozen mozzarella sticks from the store, 'cos I'm a sad single piece of shit that doesn't know how to cook. They were sitting in the freezer all this time, right, just minding their own business. Tonight I finally tell myself, 'right gonna have a proper FEAST for dinner' and I take the sticks out and I leave them cooking in the oven. While I'm waiting for the things to thaw, I check the box, nutrition facts, specifically. Just for something to do, you know? It's not like I'm insecure about my health or whatever, I'm thin as a twig and walk for a living. Also I don't have a car anymore and have to walk everywhere when I'm not walking for work, and admittedly that's all my fault. But anyway, back to the label.

What's the serving size? One stick.

Are you shitting me. One stick isn't a serving. One stick is like half an appetizer.

Okay, well how many servings per box. Nutrition label says about eight. ABOUT eight? What's this amateur bullshit, you can't measure out eight sticks into a box? I open the oven right quick to count out how many there were in the box, and, sure enough, there are seven in there, laying all innocent on the metallic grate. Fuck you man, seven sticks isn't 'about eight'. I can understand 'about this many servings' for something like a bag of goldfish crackers, where you can't honestly expect them to measure out an exact number into every bag, but for something like this, where there are literally less than ten pieces a bag, I don't think it's too much for me to expect that they'd give me exactly eight sticks per box. None of this 'maybe seven, maybe nine' bullshit, give me what I paid for, motherfucker.

Somewhere out there, there's a family of four that are preparing their nice family dinner and the absentminded father stuck seven of these sticks into the oven, because the nutrition label lied to him barefaced, saying that there were eight. And he's taking the sticks out, measuring two for himself, two for his college-bound daughter, two for his six-year old son, and one for his lovely wife. The wife, she just completely falls apart, screaming and throwing plates all over, questioning whether he really loves her, whether he's been seeing someone else on the side, someone he's saving the last mozzarella stick for. The marriage dissolves, the funding for the daughter's continuing education disappears into supplementary mozzarella stick purchases, she grows up to be a prostitute and her kid brother becomes a junkie street thug.

All because fucking T.G.I. Friday's just doesn't give half a shit about providing their customers with a quality product.

I buy a box of frozen Eggo waffles, does the box say 'about ten waffles'? No, it says 'ten waffles' clearly on the side of the box. And every box contains ten, no more, no less. How does the frozen mozzarella stick industry continue to get away with such wanton negligence? I call for a boycott of all T.G.I. Friday's products. This disrespect of the consumer cannot be allowed to continue.
  • Mood: Rant
  • Listening to: Zardonic and Voicians - Bring Back the Glory
  • Watching: Ultimate Versus by Ryuhei Kitamura
  • Playing: Hotline Miami
  • Eating: Mozzarella sticks, begrudgingly.
  • Drinking: Breakfast tea with milk.

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Monoglyph
Dmitry Shcherbakov
Artist | Hobbyist | Digital Art
United States
I'm nobody too special. Born in Russia, 1993. Moved to the States on my eighth year. Been to New York, Connecticut and Massachusetts over the years. Attended art school in Manhattan for several months until a certain incident brought me back home. I'm not overly certain about what else to say. Bios are not really my forte.
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:iconami-lily:
ami-lily Featured By Owner May 29, 2015  Student General Artist
Happy birthday!
Reply
:iconmonoglyph:
Monoglyph Featured By Owner May 30, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Thanks!
Reply
:icondreadmaster231:
Dreadmaster231 Featured By Owner Mar 6, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Yo Glyph, haven't heard from you in awhile, 'sup?
Reply
:icondreadmaster231:
Dreadmaster231 Featured By Owner May 29, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Happy birthday glyph!

Hope ya rock out with them oddland entities of the grey and mysterious!
Reply
:iconlordviita12:
LordViita12 Featured By Owner Jul 24, 2013  Professional Artist
 Hello! You're art is amazing! Just like Daria's. I'm your sister's friend from RSM. :) Nya ha! 
Reply
:iconmonoglyph:
Monoglyph Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
O thank you very much, I appreciate the interest. Nice to meetcha. Cheerio~. 
Reply
:icondreadmaster231:
Dreadmaster231 Featured By Owner May 29, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Dude... your page is so lonely...

Happy birthday, hope this might give a cheering up.
Reply
:iconmonoglyph:
Monoglyph Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Don't worry about it. DA's a place to dump my art, not to socialize. At least for me.

Also thank you very much.
Reply
:icondreadmaster231:
Dreadmaster231 Featured By Owner Jul 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Heh, Well i prefer making friends in here then in Facebook... At least here I know there's someone that's legitimately into what I am.
Reply
:iconmonoglyph:
Monoglyph Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That's true, I guess. I don't like social networking in general. Don't even have a facebook.
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